[The Bloggess, one of the funniest writers around, is reposting some classic stuff while she’s on her book tour. This one made me giggle a lot \ud83d\ude42 -egg]<\/p>\n
If it\u2019s the weekend this must be Chicago<\/a>: Dear woman sitting next to me while I watched Avatar:<\/strong> [The Bloggess, one of the funniest writers around, is reposting some classic stuff while she’s on her book tour. This one made me giggle a lot \ud83d\ude42 -egg] If it\u2019s the weekend this must be Chicago: Today and tomorrow I\u2019m in Chicago. \u00a0I\u2019m doing a reading\/signing today (Saturday) at the center stage at Printers Row […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-719","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3pfIY-bB","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.novonon.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/719","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.novonon.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.novonon.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.novonon.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.novonon.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=719"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.novonon.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/719\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.novonon.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=719"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.novonon.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=719"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.novonon.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=719"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
Today and tomorrow I\u2019m in Chicago. \u00a0I\u2019m doing a reading\/signing today (Saturday) at the center stage at Printers Row (noon)<\/a><\/strong>, and I\u2019m pretty sure you don\u2019t need a free ticket for that. \u00a0Tomorrow (Sunday) I\u2019ll be doing a panel\/signing but the tickets are sold out<\/a><\/strong>. \u00a0You can come and see if anyone doesn\u2019t show though and they\u2019ll let you in for free if they have any spots. \u00a0Until then, I\u2019m continuing my pattern of posting reruns. \u00a0This was a favorite of mine from a few years ago:<\/p>\nAn open letter to the people sitting next to me at the movie theater who won\u2019t shut the fuck up<\/h1>\n
What.<\/strong><\/em>
the fuck.<\/strong><\/em>
is wrong with you?<\/em>
I can only assume that your husband is both deaf\u00a0and\u00a0<\/em>moronic because I can\u2019t think of any other reason why else you would feel the need to loudly state what\u2019s going on during the movie\u00a0WHILE WE\u2019RE ALL WATCHING IT HAPPEN ON THE SCREEN.\u00a0<\/em>And it was weird because you both seemed perfectly fine when you first sat down next to me, aside from totally ignoring the unstated \u201cthere-must-be-one-chair-in-between-all-strangers-in-bars-and-theaters<\/em>\u201d rule. \u00a0But then you started loudly remarking unimportant bullshit about the commercials using your normal speaking voice. \u00a0I meanpersonally<\/em>, I stop talking as soon as the previews begins but I know there aren\u2019t any formal rules about this so I tried to just ignore you. \u00a0You made it really hard though when the\u00a0Clash of the Titans<\/a><\/strong>\u00a0preview showed Zeus yelling to \u201cRelease the\u00a0Kraken<\/a><\/strong>!\u201d and you said, \u201cWow.<\/em>\u00a0That cracker looks like a bad-ass.\u201d
Really?<\/em>\u00a0Did that just happen? \u00a0I know it did because my husband looked at me with these wide eyes like \u201cHoly shit\u00a0did you just hear that?<\/em>\u201d and technically I was actually fine with that because I knew we\u2019d have a good laugh about it later. \u00a0Just like years ago when we were watching the trailer for Malcolm X and the dude behind us said \u201cWho the fuck is Malcolm Ten?<\/em>\u201d \u00a0That kind of idiocy is almost worthwhile because it\u2019s 11 years later and we\u2019re still able to mock that guy, but sadly\u00a0you<\/em>\u00a0peaked early and I had to watch the rest of the movie with a built-in commentary of what I now refer to as \u201cWhat-Stupid-People-Are-Thinking\u201d.
And guess what? \u00a0ShutTheFuckUp<\/em><\/strong>,\u00a0THAT\u2019S WHAT<\/em>. \u00a0Yes<\/strong>,<\/em>\u00a0I\u00a0know<\/em>\u00a0the main character is in a wheel-chair. \u00a0We\u00a0all\u00a0<\/em>do. \u00a0WE\u2019RE ALL FUCKING WATCHING IT. \u00a0It\u2019s on a huge screen\u00a0happening right in front of us right now.<\/em>\u00a0YOU AREN\u2019T ADDING ANYTHING.<\/strong>
Just a few examples of you ruining my willing-suspension-of-disbelief\u2026
Actual scene:\u00a0<\/strong>A character says they\u2019re about to seeing the famous floating mountains. \u00a0Then we see floating mountains.
You:\u00a0<\/strong>Are those mountains floating?
Scene:\u00a0<\/strong>Character wears a shirt. \u00a0It\u2019s the same shirt that\u2019s been in all of the commercials. \u00a0None of this is a surprise.
You:<\/strong>\u00a0He\u2019s wearing a shirt.
Scene:\u00a0<\/strong>A three second black-out signifies the end of a big scene. \u00a0The scene takes place in broad daylight.
You:\u00a0<\/strong>It\u2019s nighttime now.
Scene:\u00a0<\/strong>Incredibly<\/em>-obvious villain does evil villain stuff.
You:<\/strong>\u00a0I don\u2019t trust that guy.
Scene:\u00a0<\/strong>A character dies. \u00a0Every. single. person<\/em>\u00a0onscreen acknowledges that the character is now dead.
You:<\/strong>\u00a0Oh. \u00a0I don\u2019t think that person\u2019s gonna make it.
How am I supposed to willingly lose myself in a movie when you won\u2019t shut the fuck up?\u00a0<\/em>Did you know that I\u2019ve never told\u00a0anyone<\/em>\u00a0to be quiet in a movie theater? \u00a0True story. I just sit in silence, glowering and sighing audibly. \u00a0So last night when I turned to you and said\u00a0\u201cReally?!\u201d<\/em>\u00a0it might have seemed anticlimactic but that was the equivalent of a normal person stabbing you in the head. \u00a0Honestly, even my husband was a little shocked at me. \u00a0Then when the movie ended you scurried out, probably because you guessed I was pulling Victor out after you so that I could follow you to your home and loudly explain everything that\u2019s going on on your TV to you. \u00a0And you\u2019d be all \u201cWho are you<\/em>?\u201d and I\u2019d be like \u201cI\u2019m here to help. \u00a0Oh, this is a good show. \u00a0It\u2019s funny because everyone\u00a0doesn\u2019t<\/em>\u00a0love Raymond. \u00a0That\u2019s the irony of this show<\/em>\u201d and you\u2019d be like \u201cWhy are you in my house?!\u201d and I\u2019d be all \u201cBut then in the end you see that everybody\u00a0DOES<\/em>\u00a0actually love Raymond. \u00a0Even though they yell at him a lot. \u00a0That\u2019s where they trick you.\u201d \u00a0And you\u2019d be all \u201cI\u2019m calling the police\u201d and I\u2019d be like \u201cTHIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE FOR THE REST OF THE WORLD, YOU FUCKING IMBECILE\u201d. \u00a0Then Victor would probably make me leave. \u00a0But while he was pulling me out to the car I\u2019d steal all of your silverware to make up for what everyone in our theater spent on their wasted movie ticket. \u00a0Then I\u2019d kick a hole in your wall and throw a dead cat in there. \u00a0Your cat.<\/em>\u00a0And then we\u2019d be even. \u00a0Mostly.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"